Today, I was cleaning up around the house when I found an old Valentine from the kid's dad to their mom. I started thinking about how long they had been together and whether that Valentine was from one of their first together. And then, out of nowhere, I thought, "Just one Valentine for so long... marriage must be the ultimate obligation." I surprised myself. While I can be sarcastic about a lot of things, I wouldn't call myself a cynic, per se. Especially not about love. My parents were a great example of true, selfless, unconditional love. Even when my dad's health went down the tubes and it became a great burden on Mom, she stuck it out. She stayed with him -and us- through some incredibly difficult times. I have always admired her for that, and my parents gave me a positivity about love that I've never been able to shake. But there I was, wrist deep in dishwater, thinking about marriage and "settling down" as an undesirable consequence of giving up the things that matter most in life. I felt very immature. Granted, I am 18. It is perfectly within reason for me to consider marriage a burden. I'm nowhere near the place where I should be thinking about staying with one person, FOREVER, let alone having kids and a life with obligations that tie me down. But the fact of it is: people my age are doing it all. the. time.
I'm not sure how many of you know this, but I lived and received treatment for depression and other emotional difficulties in a center for young girls from Oct. 2006-Sept. 2007. When I was there, I lived with 20 other girls; most of the girls were about a year older than me and none of them had kids. As of now, two and half years later, over half of the original 20 are either a) pregnant 2) have children or 3) are married with children. THIS TERRIFIES ME. I hate to judge others, but I can't help but feel like these girls are throwing their lives away. I can't speak for all, but I definitely know that some are horrifyingly ill-equipped to be parents. I got to thinking about this when I was talking to one of the more mature and capable ones (with a 3 month old child and a rock on her finger). She told me that being a mother was wonderful, rewarding, and "the perfect place" for her at the moment. All of that at 19- incredible. She told me I should "give motherhood a try". Does that seem weird to anyone else? Does that seem horribly backward? I brushed off the question with some excuse about school and not having found the right person, but the question bothered me.
I don't understand how these young girls can be so comfortable with motherhood and lifetime commitment to children at this point. I can't even commit to a diet plan for more than a month!! Am I hopelessly immature or are they delusional? I thought it was an occupational hazard of the newly-minted adult to face situations you've never met before with fear and ineptitude! Am I the only piss-soaked late teen quaking in her irresistibly fashionable slouch boots? Am I missing the secret of domestic contentment? Am I the only one who thinks the future is filled with as much terror and responsibility as excitement and gleaming opportunity? Or am I the enlightened one- when anticipating the bad with the good isn't being negative, just smart? This dumb transitional period is awfully confusing and I'd just like some answers.
It doesn't help that my application to Columbia College is nearing completion. I've dreamed of going to college for years, but now that I'm sending off my app to a school that will most likely accept me, I find myself balking. I've been out of school for so long, will college trample me? Will I fail? Do I get any sort of assurance that I'm doing the right thing?
Guh. I hate being an adult. It's not like I need my hand held every step of the way, but some indication that I'm not completely fucked would be nice.
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