All a Lesbian Needs is a Good, Strong Man to Save Her from Her Silly Ideals
The scene: a dimly lit coffee shop. Late evening, Audry, a young woman of around 2o, sits alone at a table with a cup of coffee. She is dressed nicely and keeps checking her watch. Lights are down with a spotlight on the table. Audry is alone and speaks as though voicing her inner monologue.
I think this might be too soon. I mean, one always assumes that, given the opportunity to better oneself, most people would go and grab that chance. Seems that's what I'm doing with this whole online dating thing, but here I am, wishing my ass off that I had been stubborn enough to refuse to change. Even if he said he did want to meet me, here he is- late. So demoralizing, so humiliating to be sitting here, what? (checks watch) 20 minutes later than he said he'd meet me. I should never have asked him, pushed him really, to meet me. He probably isn't looking for anything serious anyway. I should have listened to that Tarot reader in the first place. What was it, she said? Oh yes... (in a mystical, far-off voice) I am afraid that this is not a happy year for you, darling. Not a happy year? That's a fucking understatement. Stuck in a job I hate, single, and working on an open-ended manuscript. Picture of a failure, indeed. She must have been right, that fortune teller. I don't shell out forty bucks at a Renaissance Fair to be shown shoddy foresight. (Large sigh.) I suppose she has no less chance than all the others of being the right advice. You know, after years of hearing, "Don't give up yet! He's out there. It's just not the right time. You're still so beautiful", you hear the emptiness ring truer over time. Madame Mysterique words could have no less emptiness than all those forced compliments. Maybe it is time for me to move on, alone. Strong, valiant, sure. Who needs a man? Did Susan B. Anthony need a man to go out and get her the vote? No! Did Harriet Tubman need a man to construct her the Underground Railroad? No! Did Marie Antionette need a man to help her bring down the French aristocracy? Well, it's no mystery that Louis XVI did spend the country's reserve freely, but that is hardly the point! The point is this. For centuries, women have been braving the world alone and coming out on top! I can be one of those women, a crusader for single women in today's society! I... I... I can't believe he's forty minutes late. Yes, yes, I can be a shining beacon for women everywhere, but I also don't deserve to be stood up! I can't believe I shaved above the knee for this guy when he doesn't even have the nerve to show up. I mean, he could have been so kind as to call. (checks phone. Visibly swallows deeply.)
Oh, my phone is off. It's... been off, for the last hour or so probably. Oh God. He's probably tried to call. He's probably tried to call and thought I was standing him up when I didn't answer back. (powers on phone and dials voicemail) Oh dear sweet Jesus, please let him have left a voicemail. Please, please, please, please... OH! 2 new messages.
Brandon (voice over):
Hi Audry, this is, uh, Brandon. I'm sitting here at Cafe Luna waiting for you to show up. It's been about 25 minutes or so. I hope you're still coming. Call me and let me know. Okay, uh. Goodbye.
Oh my gosh, Audry, I am so very sorry. I just remembered we were supposed to meet at Cafe Lune, not Cafe Luna. So, just in case you're still there and haven't given up on me, like you should have, I'm coming over to Cafe Lune. In fact, I think I can see you. Red scarf? Glasses? Cute smile?
(Brandon walks on stage in front of Audry, hanging up his cell phone. Audry is obviously smitten and stands up to greet him.)
Brandon (kissing her hand):
You're even more beautiful in person. I can't believe someone like you would try online dating. I can hardly imagine you having trouble finding a date. Now, let's get to know each other better.
(Invites Audry to sit down. Both take seats.)
I have a question. Who do you admire? Who do you think really had it all figured out?
It's funny you should ask, I was just thinking about that before you walked up.
Oh, and what have you come up with?
You know, I'll have to go with Guenivere. Not only was she a beautiful and respected queen, she bagged her knight in shining armor.
(Huge wink and exaggerated embrace to audience. End scene.)