Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Two hearts, Two thousand miles

Woman: weary are the lines of your face
The ridge of your brow stopped and pulled
White linen frames you, keeps you, shrouds you
Pulsing gaze grows heavy with wisdom and
Weight of the great things you must know
Great things I may know with the blossom of time

Familiar and gentle sister's resemblance
Throaty and thrumming evening prayers
Thankfulness huddled on two eager tongues
Chant or rote, our father of satnam

Woman: burdened are the folds of your heart
Soft and salty pitter-patter, blushing nose
Fear envelops you, surrounds you, binds you
Dripping gaze pleads for rescue and respite
Strong was the shoulder who bore your cross
Its the ache of him I bear, as you bore me

Boundless expansion of desert and grassland
Separate and similar are your precious hurts
Staunchly forward going through absentia
The pains of a womans heart I have yet to know

Sunday, March 21, 2010

I feel like Lisa Simpson

Remember that one Simpsons episode when Lisa converted from Christianity to Buddhism? There was this one part, just after the enlightenment bulb clicks over her head, that she rushes out onto the street and yells, "I AM A BUDDHIST!"

I feel sort of like that, except replace Buddhism with Deism.

I've been on a bit of a spiritual hunt lately. I recently took a good, hard look at what I believe and realized that I really have no place for Christianity in my life. Ever since, I've been at a bit of a loss, sort of empty. Religion was a huge influence in my life, and chucking Christianity in the bin was a tough decision. Rationally, I could no longer pretend to belong to a doctrine that called me evil and morally impure just for kissing other girls. I could not support the idea of Biblical infallibility. I don't support any institution that judges others or claims to have all the answers. The wider and more rational my view became, the more Christianity seemed to fall short. This left me with a "what now?" sort of feeling. So, if I don't believe in Christianity, what do I think about religion? Do I even believe in God? I came up with this:
  • I do believe in God, who I think is the genderless creator of the world. I believe in God because I look around me at the wonder and beauty of the world and can't reasonably conclude anything else. Life, the complexity of nature, the aesthetic beauty of the world- to me, all of this suggests an creator.
  • Most religions have twisted up the idea of God and added a lot of man-made rules. This irks me. I don't like the manhandled bits about religion- religious texts edited by humans, creeds and doctrines thought up by councils, etc.
  • I am wholly frustrated by the terrible, evil deeds committed in the name of God and the institutions that sanctioned those actions.
  • A moral code is important in life. I believe that the intended moral code of God is well represented in the 10 commandments, variations of which are included in most religious theology.

This is, in a nutshell, all I believe needs to be covered by religion or spirituality. I firmly believe that spirituality and religion don't need rigid rules; flexibility and interpretation is important. Things like abortion, gay rights, etc. are social issues and fall under the umbrella of my political views. At first, I decided not to bother finding a label or definition for my thoughts. I've been living that way for the last couple months, but throughout, I've felt aimless. Maybe I'm just one of those people who enjoys the community of things, but I dislike the idea of being on a spiritual island. I wanted to find something that I could resonate, ideology I agreed with. So, I went on a balls-out internet search for faith. The major religions (Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Islam) were out, I already knew I didn't agree with that theology. I went further, looking at Ba'hai faith and Taoism and Neopaganism and Unitarian Universalism, but nothing fit. I then stumbled here: Take a peek, it's pretty interesting stuff. I found myself reading the definitions and stories and thinking, "Wow. This is the missing piece I've been looking for."

The beautiful thing about Deism is that it's not exclusive at all. The only key belief is this: "the recognition of a universal creative force greater than that demonstrated by mankind, supported by personal observation of laws and designs in nature and the universe, perpetuated and validated by the innate ability of human reason coupled with the rejections of claims made by individuals and organized religions of having received special divine revelation." This is pretty close to what I outlined for myself months ago. Reason, logic, belief in God. No restrictions and rules, just encouragement in self-reliance, rationality, reason, and questioning authority. It all fits.

So, there we have it. I am a Deist. It's liberating, in a higher-understanding sort of way. Granted, I don't think this discovery will change my life much (I've been living the Deist sort of world view for a while now, without even knowing it), but it's nice to know that there are others who feel similarly.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I'd Just Like To Be Honest, Here

These days, so much of my life consists on staying silent about things. I have to hide this bit about me from that person in order to keep the peace, keep my job, keep a friend, keep myself from upsetting people. This is not the way I like to do things. However, with the tour looming on the horizon and college a hop, skip, and a jump away from that, I feel it unnecessary and silly to burn bridges now. There are lots of people I'd like to sever ties from, or tell the whole truth to, but in the interest of kindness and fairness, I've decided not to do anything permanent and simply... slip away. It's kinder that way, I think. Of course, I will gladly give clear answers to those who ask for them, but I find that most people don't want to know anyway. This leads to me holding my tongue quite a bit.

I am not good at this.

Sometimes, I feel bitter urges bubble up in my chest, telling me to tell off a "friend" and bring out the inner bitch I want to give way to. I suppress these as best I can. It does me no good to add toxicity to an already poisonous relationship. Because, you see, the people with whom I so desperately want to sever ties are people that are bad for me: people that make me doubt myself, trample my self-esteem, disrespect me, ignore me, judge me, reject me, annoy me, and generally make life harder. Since I shouldn't (and never would) just go out and give these people a hard punch in the face, I need better ways of handling people.

I also need suggestions. What do you do when you have to deal with people you dislike? What do you do when you're dying to say something, but know you should hold your tongue? What do you do when you're silently building up resentment against someone who really has no idea, and wouldn't understand why? What do you do when you feel the switch in a relationship switch from caring and supportive to draining and harmful? What are your thoughts?

Friday, March 12, 2010

I am:

  • Neglecting this blog
  • Slacking with my writing
  • Not all that busy, so I have no excuse
  • Frustrated with stagnancy
  • Ready to get to college
  • Conflicted over some friendship issues
  • Unsettlingly paranoid about interpersonal relationships
  • Stupid. Often.
  • Incredibly prideful and immodest. Bah.
  • 19, now. Birthday came and went uneventfully, just as I like.
  • Procrastinating cleaning my room.
  • Procrastinating doing my taxes.
  • Procrastinating mailing my application
  • Very good at procrastinating
  • Going along on tour with Melissa Etheridge this summer
  • Still dating Andrew, which I like.
  • Addicted to Block Drop
  • In love with thunderstorms
  • Very excited for spring
  • Rapidly vacillating between cerebral and emotional
  • Thankful for incense and yoga and eastern schools of thought
  • Getting used to change