Early February Update: Thankfulness

I am rapidly vacillating between the urge to cry and the urge to throw up. I can't tell if this is because I'm horribly moody or just ate too many pancakes.

My body has been so out of whack lately. Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing I always feel unbalanced, like a bicycle tire with too little air. I feel flattened and weighted down with the enormity of feeling. It's an uneasy, melancholy sort of thing that I truly can't stand. I'm great at dealing with depression, with anger, with self-destructive tendencies but this suspended, halfway-gone feeling kills me. I just want to pump myself back up, settle at even-keel. I keep trying to remind myself of all the wonderful things in my life, all my reasons to keep getting out of bed every morning.

I have a boyfriend who I am very much enjoying getting to know. He listens to my thoughts and my dreams and cares for me. I have an indescribably wonderful best friend that knows me in relative entirety. I have shared much with her and even though she can be a pain in the ass at times, I can't imagine my life without her. I have a chaotic, supportive, and deeply loving family that has stayed by my side through the darkest portions of my life. They have forgiven me for inexcusable mistakes and I feel as if my siblings aren't just my family, but friends. My mother, who I may fight with more than I like, is a strong and caring woman who has grown to accept me exactly as I am. I have thoughts in my head and the wits to write them out. I have creative ambition and the passion to see it through. I have a mind and hands and sight and breath and heartbeats.

I have much to be thankful for, things that I need to keep reminding myself of in order to make it through this month. Things are awful and sucky and often times vomit-inducing but I have concrete things I can hold onto to keep moving forward.