Let me explain this a bit.
As a teenager, I spent a lot of time in recovery for my depression and self-injury issues. I never really lived a normal teenager life, and then my dad up and died. Because of my recovery and the need to learn how to cope with the death of a parent, I feel like I was forced to grow up quicker than others. But yet, even though I was forced into mature situations quicker than my growth allowed for, I tried to stay with the friends I had and the social groups I knew and the situations I was comfortable with. At best, I'm hesitant to change. At worst, I'm terrified of change. But lately, I've been so much more honest with myself and the people in my life about what I want my life to look like. I've realized that I can't let myself live according to the standards of those around me. I can't base my decisions on the approval of friends or their definition of the 'right' thing to do. This has been freeing.
Back to the path/gate metaphor: for a long time, I followed others down a path that I didn't feel so comfortable with simply because I didn't want to live without my friends. This path was Christianity. For a long time, I purported myself to be Christian, despite knowing in my heart that I disagreed with major doctrines and doubted the validity of the Bible and the idea that Jesus was the Savior of the world. I struggled with this for a long time, wanting to be a Christian in order to fit in (and also because, at that time, I still feared hell). It wasn't until Steve, my mom's boyfriend/fiance? came along that I really started to think about how unfair living that sort of life was to me. Steve loves to challenge people to be honest, and I watched he and my mother have intense discussions about what my mother truly wanted from life. The thing about my mother, as wonderful as she is, is that she tends to bend her own wants in order to please others. She's less inclined to tout her own agenda and more likely to follow the lead. Steve has been asking her all sorts of questions about herself-what she wants, what she likes, what she sees for her life, etc. For the first time, I think she's growing into herself and realizing what sort of woman she wants to be- independently of the expectations or desires of others. This has opened my mother to be someone I can relate to, someone who accepts me as I am with no hesitation. Considering her initial disgust and rage when I first came out to her, having an accepting and loving mother who approves of my decision to follow a satisfying- if not 'normal'- lifestyle is fabulous. She wants me to be happy and content in life more than she wants me to be her idea of what she wanted me to be. Sorry, went off on a tangent there but my point is this: Steve hasn't just been inspiring my mother to live the life she truly wants, he's been inspiring me to also.
This lead to a deep, fruitful search for the true representation of my beliefs. I knew I could no longer portray myself as a Christian, it would be dishonest. I've been living a Deistic life, and I'm incredibly happy as such. Christianity was the first path I hopped off in order to find the paths I really wanted to follow... and since then, it's been change everywhere. I've stopped limiting myself from the ideas I want to explore and things I want to experience. I refuse to let other people's expectations of me stand in the way of me living the sort of life that makes me happy, that gives my existence meaning. However, since I'm stuck in Cary for the time being, I'm not completely living the life I want to live. This brings me to the threshold of the gate.
I see college as final push through the wrought-iron doors of the gateway to my life. I'm so unbelievably excited to move to Chicago and study literature and writing. In all my life, I've been frustrated with academics and feeling unchallenged in school. I am hungry for philosophical discussions, talking about things that really matter with like-minded people. I am hungry for freedom of expression, soaking up all the inspiration of the city and letting my writing benefit from my furthered experience. I want to observe the city and feel the vigor of youth. I want to open my mind and take in the city on a higher level of consciousness. I am eager and excited to start building my life around the things that really matter to me: art, literature, music, conversation, love, joy, unbridled expression.
For me, it is an exciting time to be alive and I don't plan to take any part for granted. I am thankful that I've crawled from the darkness of my mental illness to this place. I am blessed to be able to stand here today, fully alive and exceptionally happy, and be able to free myself of the shackles of my past. I am proud of the woman I am and the woman I will eventually grow to be.
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