I speak in sighs and I cannot remember my name

You grab my feet and my balloon strings are severed

I won't decide for myself but allow me to be grounded

Badges

I will pluck the rasp from my speech

and the lies from my mouth

and enjoy the sweetness of strawberries again.

I will slough my cocoon, a caterpillar

waking from a restful sleep

and create gales with my flapping wings.

I will be the sky if you will join me

and if you will be my earth

and we will embark on our paths together.

Teenager

I bite my nails and bide my time and wait for you to come through the door. I am 12, in a too-tight red shirt with slash marks on my thighs. I am alone, I am a mess, I am anxious. Did I do enough? Have I made my point?

I twirl my hair and sigh and ask you please to wait- I am the one that you adore. I am 13 in the backseat of a car, my innocence is on the table. I am ignored, I am defeated, I am deflated. Have you had your way yet? Is there something more you'd like?

I kick my feet and scream my haunts and wait for you to tie me to the floor. I am 14, in a fit of rage and throwing my mattress across the room. I am awakened, I am astonished, I am ablaze. Have you had your fill yet? Must you have my brain?

I beat my head and make up lies and know that I am all that you deplore. I am 15, in the depths and crevices of my soul, tar fills my bloodstream and spreads. I am toxic, I am vile, I am retching. Who the fuck do you think you are? My mother?

I ball my fists and earn my points and wait for you to let me go explore. I am 16, in a cornfield and a cage, my every move is documented for your files. I am repressed, I am corrected, I am analyzed. How does that make you feel? Where is your voice?

I wipe my eyes and shake your hand, but I can't hear I'm sorry anymore. I am 17, in a blue dress and heels, receiving hollow words of comfort for my loss. I am extinguished, I am expired, I am tired. Is he in a better place? How do I get there?

I find my legs and stand my ground and wait for my boat to leave this shore. I am 18, in an apron and play clothes, cleaning up after someone else's family mess. I am overworked, I am stressed, I am poor. Is this the life I want? Can I get away?

I lift my voice and cock my head and wait for no man- instead, I soar. I am 19, in my skin and first-day outfit, a touch of lipstick and I set out to meet the world. I am independent, I am proud, I am free. Who could hinder me? Who would dare to try?

Altered Perception

Believe it or not, I've started to read the Bible again. Not because I'm rethinking my beliefs, quite the contrary. I'm re-reading the Bible in order to strip from it all the wisdom I can while leaving behind all the dogma and interpretation. I'm seeing verses with fresh, unaltered eyes and realizing the Bible for what it is: an extraordinary book of fables. It's incredible how many deities have the same back story- miraculous birth, exile to a different country due to a threat from the monarchy, etc. I'm able to appreciate Jesus the man, not the Christ, in ways I've never been able to. I love Jesus more now that I'm able to hear the wisdom of his words without them being tainted by the idea of divinity. Jesus the man preached about nobility, communing with nature, accepting all people in all walks of life, loving all people not because of their actions but because of their life. Like this ridiculous 'love the sinner, hate the sin' idea. It saddens me to know that Christianity has twisted the very essence of his message and made it into a force of evil in the world. And I know this might offend some of my Christian friends, but it shouldn't. None of my Christian friends are evil, just misguided. That's my opinion, anyway. It's also Jesus's, look here: "These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men..'" Matthew 15:8-9

He's talking about the Pharisee's here, those who honor their traditions instead of the commandments of God. Eerily similar to our situations today: we stack up small handfuls of verses condemning homosexuality and ignore MOUNTAINS of verses about tolerance and equality and kindness. "You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things." Romans 2:1

The passage then goes on to explain that those who live under the law and break it at the same time can't possibly be living under the law. Those who profess to know Jesus and have any hatred or stubbornness in accepting others are living hypocritically. They aren't really living under Jesus's laws, the laws of life. "Piously, you strain a gnat from your wine and proceed to swallow a camel." Matthew 23:24. Religion seeks to strain the gnats (homosexuality, abortion, etc.) while ignoring the camels (war, hunger, poverty, etc.) Jesus really is a light unto the world. He tells mankind how to live simply, naturally, and peacefully. If only centuries and centuries of men hadn't perverted his words! Jesus himself tells us to throw away the trappings of societal life and live free of worry and doubt. He tells us to go back to the land, allow ourselves to be a people who fully rely on God, the universal driving force of life. "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:34. It's incredible. Here I am, philosophizing about life and trying to find the answers when this incredibly wise man has already thought about all of this. Smart guy, that Jesus. I mean, I don't worship him and I certainly don't base my life off of his words and ONLY his, but he had his head on straight.

So, the Bible as a text. I'm loving it.

Nourishment

I close my eyes and rest my

nose against your brow and

think "This is substantial." The

space between our mouths is

breakable and see-through. Our

heads bend together and we

collect stars in our pockets.

We keep our tears in buckets

and water the seeds of our

lima bean hopes and dreams.

We stomp in puddles and

create aqueous islands with

our toes. Our heads bend

together and we collect

sunshine in our pockets.

We ask and pause and start

and go. Soft, velvet flower

petals reveal their secrets

to me, whisper tiny beads

of comfort into my ears. Our

heads bend together and we

collect moonlight in our pockets.

Relapse

I am caught in a cycle

Ins and outs and beginnings and ends all the same

Reasoning is secondary to emotion, bound ankles and wrists

Preoccupation with pain and seclusion

insomuch as I can proselytize

miraculous healing or acts of fate or careful determination

either way, I'm back at the start

Short Poems

I

am too big

for my heart

today

I

snip away at

the edges 'til

it fits

I

make an

error, there

is nothing left.

-------------

Behind my eyes

lives a little man

with a little hat

and he sings in

my ears when I

can't fall asleep.

-------------

L O N G I N G

shaves away years of life from my

shoulder blades.