A poem, for you

If you are out there, if you are

listening for my whisper, then

cup your hand behind your ear

and let in the reverberations of

my words of love and forgiveness,

calm enclosure of our congress.

Please know I love you and that

I would have gone on loving you-

even when my eyes turned pitted

and opaque, even when my mouth

grew sour and pursed, even when

my hair sprouted gossamer and grey,

even when my feet walked sideways

and unsure, even when my heart

fractured into breadcrumbs... even

when my heart left a trail of itself

away from you, know I loved you

until I remembered that I also

love myself and my eyes and my

mouth and my hair and my feet

and especially my beating heart.

You witnessed my weeping eyes

bleed themselves raw, my gaping

mouth suckling for bones, my silken

tresses leaking luster, my aching feet

petitioning you for rest, my wildly

galloping heart straining out of my

chest and out of my body and into

your hands, your spindly delighting

fingers, and you limply let it slither

through your spindly, slipping grip

with the most obscene carelessness.

All I am is a wandering, blind cripple,

but I have breadcrumbs at the foot of

my pitiful body to guide me to each piece

of myself; and sure as the Prodigal, so

humbled and whole, the strength

of my stride and the sheen of my hair

and the set of my mouth and the spark

in my eyes and the stoutness of my heart

will emerge emblazoned with battle, the

passion of lifelust revived in me.

Refraction

All my pieces bend out of shape and
I am left with my own contradiction.

I am learning to enjoy being alone.

Stitch my mouth with nylon string

and dangle promises in front of my

nose. There is no more sweetness in

a drop of honey and the words from

your tongue leave me sanguine and

panting. I have no place to lay my

cuneiform curls and nonsense is my

only language. Confounded by chant

I will beat my breast and flagellate

my faith and existence on a marble

altar. Depress the organ's pedals and

wheeze antique Hallelujah's from the

souls of the departed. Stained glass

depictions of purity first filled my eyes

with color and gave me the lenses

with which to see a prism of beauty.

Gregorian lugubriousness splits the

blue horizons outside my window and

the sailboats take themselves out to sea.

Decline and Fall

Dear -,

I am a coward and I freely

admit it. I wish I could tell

you the things set in motion

by a conversation you probably

don't even remember. I can

pinpoint the hour I lost all

respect for you. I can tell you

the words, the thoughts, the

realizations that hit me in an

instant. And I can bet you

probably missed it. I wish I

could tell you the hidden feelings

the veiled anguish, the deep distrust.

I wish I could tell you how I kept

quiet. I wish I could have told

you when the burgeoning thoughts

hadn't left my lips. I wish I could

tell you how beautiful it is to

be free, and how much you have

helped me realize my worth.

I wish that what we had could

have been real. I am slowly

but surely removing your poison.

Farewell--

Let the past lay dormant.

Let this be my piece.

Let you be happy.

No bitterness, no regret

We are new people.

I am a stranger in a white tiled room

there is a bed and a chair and a shelf

And a brain, mottled and bruised, grooved

but still and filled with formaldehyde, where

resistance is cushioned, leather straps

leave no survivors but the deluded while

Nurse Ratched runs her slaughterhouse

and raises headless, blind chickens

with their meat full of pesticides

And me.

"I just want noodles, fucking raining from the sky"

I feel the need to update, though how I can make myself translate my first few weeks in college to words is beyond me. I've crossed numerous (and often nefarious) items off of my bucket list and have fallen into a wonderful, beautiful coexistence with my girlfriend and ever-expanding group of indescribable friends. In allowing myself to be exactly as I am, I am building a creative posse that could satisfy any ridiculous school tenet. I am realizing the definition of true friendship and companionship, and have reached a level of camaraderie I never knew existed. No pretension, no trying, no settling- I am appreciated and truly appreciate everyone around me. I don't have to bite my tongue, I don't have to hold back, I don't have to keep quiet, and I don't have to succumb to my sense of obligation. I don't have to justify, I don't have to care, I don't have to pretend I agreed, and I don't have to subject myself to selfishness and triviality. I don't have to put up with it anymore.

I am intensely thankful. I've left my old life behind, and I have no intention of looking back.

I speak in sighs and I cannot remember my name

You grab my feet and my balloon strings are severed

I won't decide for myself but allow me to be grounded

Badges

I will pluck the rasp from my speech

and the lies from my mouth

and enjoy the sweetness of strawberries again.

I will slough my cocoon, a caterpillar

waking from a restful sleep

and create gales with my flapping wings.

I will be the sky if you will join me

and if you will be my earth

and we will embark on our paths together.